OK, people. I know you thought that once Donald Trump was out of office, you could sort of ignore politics for a while. But really, you’re stuck indoors, you’ve already reorganized the closets, and you finished “The Queen’s Gambit” in December.
Let’s see if you’ve been paying attention.
President Biden met with Republican moderates to try to negotiate a relief package. Looking around the room, he said, “I feel like …”
“I’m waiting for the dentist.”
“I’m back in the Senate.”
“I finally understand how Mitt Romney’s dog felt attached to the roof of that car.”
The governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo, said that it sometimes sounds as if he doesn’t trust health experts …
“Because the media loves to stir up trouble. Loves it.”
“Because the Republicans in the State Legislature keep spreading vicious rumors.”
“Because I don’t. Because I don’t.”
The nation is really getting to know Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, a Georgia Republican who once published a theory …
That George Washington was really from Atlanta.
That one of the terrible California wildfires was started by a space laser controlled by the Rothschild family.
That Mitch McConnell spent his youth as an actor, playing the irritating Eddie Haskell on “Leave It to Beaver.”
Next on the Freaky Freshman list may be Republican Lauren Boebert of Colorado, who’s at war with the Capitol Police over her campaign promise to …
Bring her pistol to work.
Bring her rioters to work.
Decorate her office with war axes.
Freshman Senator Tommy Tuberville of Alabama declined to comment on the Greene controversy because …
The bad weather made it hard for him to keep up with the news.
He’s still mulling the nuances of her wildfire theory.
His new public affairs director hadn’t told him what to say.
Democratic Senator Joe Manchin of West Virginia was furious when Vice President Kamala Harris gave an interview to a TV station in his state that seemed to be aimed at putting pressure on him to support the Biden administration’s Covid-19 package.
Most listeners were probably more interested in the fact that Harris …
Endorsed retraining coal workers so they could reclaim “abandoned land mines.”
Appeared to believe the senator’s first name was Jerry.
Hinted that despite his image as a down-home guy, Manchin’s favorite TV special is the coverage of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.
Representative Matt Gaetz, the ever lively Florida Republican, went to Wyoming to campaign “for the soul of the Republican Party” and asked voters to “break a corrupt system” by …
Supporting campaign finance reform.
Getting rid of their congresswoman, Liz Cheney, a Republican leader who backed Trump’s impeachment.
Giving up one of their senators to make up for the fact that their state has almost 70 times the representation per person as California.
Sidney Powell, who was one of the lawyers for the Trump campaign, is reportedly so popular with the former president that he wanted her to be a special counsel in an investigation of voter fraud.
Powell’s stock rocketed when she …
Published an essay in a prestigious legal journal on separation of powers.
Theorized that the election was corrupted by a Venezuelan plot to rig voting machines.
Actually ate dinner at a restaurant in Trump’s hotel.
Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani’s stock seems to be dwindling. While Trump was still in the White House, his relations with his lawyer-consultant-cheerleader reportedly cooled when …
Giuliani’s team asked to be paid $20,000 a day.
Trump discovered that Giuliani was tweeting from a cocktail party when he recommended stem cell therapy to cure Covid.
Trump discovered that when Giuliani went to Washington to consult, he stayed at a Holiday Inn.
Giuliani also got into trouble when he told those right-wing demonstrators who stormed the Capitol to …
“Stop by the White House for a drink when you’re finished.”
Engage in a “trial by combat.”
“Take a look at this great new hair coloring I’m wearing.”
In celebration of Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil was hauled out of his hole to deliver the big weather prediction. Alleged groundhog experts said Phil thinks …
We’re getting six more weeks of winter.
We’re getting four more years of Republican moderates.
Trump messed up the climate.
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February 04, 2021 at 07:01AM
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