How to talk politics at your family's holiday dinner without fighting - Cape Cod Times

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I'm sitting down to write this column after just meeting with a group of Cape Codders called Braver Angels. Braver Angels is a national organization dedicated to modeling the art of talking civilly and empathetically about divisive issues such as politics. Millions of media hours and corporate dollars go into fueling the culture wars that more and more consume us. Fortunately, there are public efforts to heal the body politic and remind us how to discuss difficult issues without destroying the connective tissue that binds us together.

The growing chasm that separates us — and the anger filling it — threatens our republic more gravely than the political victory of either party. We have always had our disagreements, but if we are to continue as a single American people, we have to change the way we're going about it.

I'm going to ask you to pause for a moment and consider whether my previous statement makes sense to you or not. If it makes sense to you, then we have to realize that it's not our political differences that threaten us. It is the way we do politics today that threatens us. We are becoming ungovernable.

Today's workshop focused on how families can have political discussions without having everything blow up in their faces. Political arguments can provide a convenient battlefield where old tensions get slugged out without ever facing the grievances that may lie beneath them. In any case, it's an almost universally recognized problem, that the family gathers with its members left and right, we swill down a few drinks and some provocateur throws out a divisive question. Then the rest of the evening turns into a protracted explosion. Braver Angels couldn't have picked a more perfect topic for the times.

They introduced several roles that people in the family might play. We have "the gladiators", swords polished and sharpened, ready to publicly humiliate any family member who dares to disagree.

Also, we have "the snipers" who won't risk getting into the arena but love to throw out provocative comments and questions designed to get the combat going, after which they can sit back and enjoy the show.

We have "the peacekeeper", often the host — who's invested the most in making the evening work and has the most to lose when it doesn't. They may suggest at the outset that everything will get along better if nobody discusses politics at all. And you can't blame them.

And then you have "the engaged", who believes that it's possible for people who love each other to talk about real things without losing affection and respect for each other in the process. 

Since Christmas is coming soon, I'll offer some of what I've learned today as a public service, especially for those hard-working and loving souls who've busted their you-know-what to put out a lavish banquet for the rest of us.

Let's start by agreeing to avoid slapping derogatory labels on anyone and acknowledging instead that they have come to their opinions honestly, based on what their life experiences have taught them. When someone offers an opinion on race, immigration, abortion or various politicians, the first step is to really listen and respond by demonstrating that you are paying attention.

“So let me get this straight,” you might say, “if I understand you properly, you think/feel that ___ ___ ___.”  So first we clarify what we’ve just heard to make sure we get it right.

Next, we try to find some point of common agreement — which we offer in reply. If the gladiator is looking for combat, we deflect that by recognizing something that we feel they got right.

Next, we ask if it's OK for us to share our own point of view and maybe also a bit of back-story that might explain how we got to thinking about things the way we do. We invite those who disagree with us to do the same.

Let's agree from the outset that we are not trying to change the other person’s opinions or point of view. From a family perspective, maybe from a spiritual perspective, we talk to other people so we can know them. We know other people so we can love them. If we are a family together, that love has to remain the most important thing. Whether we are a family or a nation, this love has to be the foundation for the respect and patience we offer each other amid our disagreements.

What excites me about Braver Angels is that it’s a national movement with lots of programs and resources. (Go to braverangels.org to learn more and become involved. Readers can register for an online workshop at https://bit.ly/3TdPQOJ.)

I wish all this weren't necessary but after decades of polarization and neglect, it seems we have to go back for a refresher course on what we should have learned in kindergarten: How to listen to other people attentively and compassionately — how to express ourselves persuasively, yet civilly — without wishing to harm or crush anyone, especially our own family members or our neighbors on the Cape.

Lawrence Brown is a columnist for the Cape Cod Times. Email him at columnresponse@gmail.com.

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How to talk politics at your family's holiday dinner without fighting - Cape Cod Times
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